A lot of people ask us if we are planning to have a kid, and if we want we should have children soon/early. I think there’s less people asking us now, and i always don’t know what to answer people on “why”. It is like an obligation to “explain” to people why you don’t want to have kids now.
The usual answer that people will say is “not ready”. And then there is the saying that, you will never be ready to be parents anyway.
I don’t say that we are “not ready” but there’s other things we would like to do first. Our focus and desire of our hearts will not enable us to put aside time first for something or rather someone else at this moment. Commitment is often a scary word and have a negative connotation but it is not. It allows us to pursue what we really want. Right now, we are committed to grow our own career and explore ourselves (like growing as an adult). So we want to be committed to be good parents by only having a kid when we can.
Both of us agreed that it is ok to have kids a little later and we will be more financially apt too (not later like 50 years old la). Looking after children is no easy task, and not everyone have the energy to handle a kid themselves or have their parents help with their kids. Although stay home mom look like they have lots of time but it is also not easy for them to handle – having the baby stuck to them all day and all night, having to wake up to feed a few times in the middle of the night unless your baby sleeps through.
Husband may be too tired and need 100% energy at work especially if it involves heavy machinery or human lives, for them to do night watch or night feeds.
Being a little slower then our peers at having kids also enable me to look at other people and adapt from their difficulties. One of alvin’s friends have his mother take care of their kid while wife works from home – it is a common misconception that working from home mum can handle a kid too, no. Because kids constantly need attention and there is no way you can work with them crying or climbing over your leg etc. Put in the time needed to feed them, prepare their food, bath them, wash their dirty clothes or change their soiled diapers.
At night he and his wife takes over the kid so his parents can rest, but then when do they themselves rest? They worked all day and then have to take care of the kid all night. Giving their parents a rest at night also shows that basically anyone who cares for a kid needs rest. Then what about them? That also goes for weekends.
I think being parents require some kind of sacrifice but it is also essential to take care of ourselves first, you know like cover some bases. Having kids and having a family is not a sprint but a marathon, it is going as far as we can without burning out. We all know burning out ends up in arguments and in some extreme cases, separation. Arguing about household chores are so yesterday by the time kids arrive.
I have been forming my own thoughts on having kids, and many buy car first and helper (not as many) have. But I think it may be essential to have a helper first. We agreed that it is highly likely that we need a helper, even now sometimes we are too tired to do laundry hahah but of course we do la, we still have discipline.
Yesterday, I came to this strange conclusion that we should hire a helper when I get pregnant and not after giving birth. I told alvin and he’s like ok. I am grateful that he shares the same sentiments after watching friends having kids. We are like people sitting on the side benches watching the football game but not getting involved. We will cheer for them, we will encourage them but we are not getting into the game, yet.
I see how friends who have helper seem less stressed and more relaxed compared to those without. Also, they take care of cleaning your house too.
Many people say aiyah give your parents to take care la. Alvin’s parents are already quite well in age, they are already grandparents – alvin’s eldest nephew is already early 20s. My parents, i think they want their own freedom and enjoy their golden years – finally my sister and I are more or less grown up and earning our own keep. They probably already paid off the house they live in, and what they earn they finally can use for themselves to eat and play, and whatever else. I think 30 years of bringing up 2 kids is pretty much enough.
That saying, it is also likely that our parents and us have different styles of upbringing our kids. (Btw, we still do not have a TV in our house hahaha.)
I don’t know why i am writing this, but I wanted to just pen down some thoughts after I told alvin about getting a helper when I get pregnant. If you are wondering, no its not so soon.
On what we both still have to do right now? Alvin’s currently still doing his masters, and me, I feel that my business isn’t that “stable” enough for me to be able to go on auto mode yet. So yes, till the time comes, i will update again.
