I have been struggling for the past 2 weeks or maybe more, and struggling more so then I want to admit. I find it difficult to adjust and I am not sure if it something I feel in me that I don’t fit, yet something in me tells me that it is meant to be that way and that is how it will change the things that could not be changed previously. How do I explain it? It is like the reason you got hired for, is also the very thing that works against you? I know somehow, I could follow in the footsteps of others, but maybe I don’t want to conform and accept it. It is like how when my colleague tells me it cannot be done, I got really pissed and I showed her that I will do it because it can be done, you only need to try harder, take risks, let go and be more wild, you know? People who worked too long in one place tend to be jaded and I don’t want to be that way. It is tempting to just be jaded, shut up, stop questioning, stop looking for a better way, stop going against the norms, because it is EASY and will be EASIER and it would probably do me good if I kept quiet and stop looking like a difficult kid to handle. But deep inside me, sometimes I feel like I am not like that, and it probably is difficult to change something I feel strongly for, or how I am in nature. And I do realize that perhaps, I should take things a little more easy, in my stride, and if I happen to fumble, I should be ok with that because not everyone is perfect and every step is still a learning step. And maybe I’ll find a balance amongst and settle down soon enough, I hope. And also I have been wondering what why or perhaps I should be re-visiting my goals and life again. You know, you only have 1 life to lead, and I need to know my purpose in where I am now to go on. Its hard to see the whole life ahead, and being afraid isn’t the way to go. Perhaps its time I let go more to God and let Him take me for a ride, anyway it was He who decided I should live and specifically told grandma to look after me, when I was a young sick baby, then I believe that I have a deeper, more purposeful meaning on this earth then just living.
On the side note, today’s Sunday was pretty well spent. We went to early service for church, then lunch to celebrated Alvin’s dad 78th birthday, we had sharks fins (oh yummy my favorite) and abalone. The food was as usual was good at YCK CC, the chinese restaurant. I think it was a refreshing change to hang out with the kids – his nephews and niece. When I am around them, I tend to awe at their tendencies and actions, how they just play around and loosen up. I forget that we as adults (yes I think I have matured over time) we forget to let loose, have fun with loved ones. And I rem how Laura Casey says do things that fire you up, do them often and do things that really matter the most.
And before that, we went to the library and i borrowed this (AGAIN) because I borrowed it once and never read it.
I shall read it over the trip which we are taking over the public holiday. Thank God for this trip, we are finally going on a trip together since last Aug, its been ONE YEAR. More imptly, it is a rest trip for both of us since the hectic work schedules, and spending some quality time together. We are going to recharge, rest, relax, eat lots (especially the milk tarts I love so much), not going disney land because he’s someone who does not like it as well hehehe. :) Looking forward to the short work week, and we be ready to conquer the world again when we are back.