To be seen

No one else knows how hard it is to be seen. to voice my opinions and to truly show up to be authentically me. i

‘m loss for words and i’m loss of what to say, and also because i don’t feel like it has a place to be heard.

and i feel that people can’t accept my opinions, my thoughts, my feelings.

I should have said this, i should have said that, how do i show up to be myself? Not to say too much unless being seen first, not sharing unless they ask first.

it is very scary to voice out what i feel what i think, will people accept me for who i TRULY am when i’m not hiding?

Dan says when i hide, people will also say i’m a hider.

Feeling unsure

I started off 2024 with my birthday, feeling grateful and wanting to be more aligned to myself.

Today Cny, i felt unsure why history repeats itself. I am not accepted for being me, for doing what i want but being imposed by the closest to me by how i should act/ by how i should do my things by. However this time i’m alot more aware of what’s going on and i wondered if it is me. do i attract that kind of thing that people feel that they can say whatever they want and i will accept it?

That i don’t know myself better and they know?

I was anxious about my dad and me argue over cny eve reunion, but nothing happened. i was anxious that my aunty would make stupid remarks but she didn’t.

I had a fight with alvin 2 days after my birthday which i was very upset because he don’t seem to support what i need to do for myself . he claims i have no routine and sleep late, so i get sick or more sick.

Then aft cny he imposes on me that i should not walk if i’m tired, not knowing that i need it to regulate my nervous system which i have been wreck since last week..

i told him he wasting my emotional energy which i can use to work n do more productive things. to me , he spoilt the good time we could have together that i planned to have.

I think he misses his family and time in msia n feel fomo and i felt he take it out on me cus he don’t know how to manage the emotions and always compare how noah is closer to my family then his, but it’s not that true.

I don’t want to waste emotional energy because i want to focus on better things, so this is the last time i’ll fight with him and cry over such things, i swear. I’ll just block off n keep it inside me, and talk to a therapist instead.

I was upset cus he pick on me n we fight 2 days aft my bday – celebration / and 2 days aft cny festive season, is like why does ppl like to pick n critique me aft celebteive seasons?

i’m just doing my own things. I do what i think is best for my body. why does he think he knows better ?

i went to find last year post on people telling me what to do, cus i asked lizzie what’s the issue.

lizzie say if cus i’m passive or i come across as unsure of myself – yes i am, then i should start learning how to be sure of myself…

i also realized that i no longer allow ppl to dictate if i had a good or enjoyed celebration or festive or not.

I also will stop letting ppl say what to affect me, i’m giving my power away to them. that they shld not say that to me. sure everyone is entitled to their own opinion. they can disagree with me but it’s my life and i can dgaf. i can pretend that i have a bubble and fiercely protect myself against people who don’t support me or don’t agree with me. this is work for myself

also realized vivien never needs anything from us , be it present or money or gift for her child. is like she’s so self sufficient and even books, she gets very offended when she receive books from us.

Grateful

These days i wake up in the morning feeling grateful that i’m alive. Just simply at that, knowing that being alive is the one huge reason that any other thing is possible.

I’ve noticed that i noticed the littlest things in life are the warmest. A hug, a smile, even a tear, they are the most precious things in this life time.

Having my family and friends today, just fills my heart with a lot of gratitude. the people that are here , the people that will root for my success, the people who would love me unconditionally.

Contentment

These days i’ll get bouts of feeling of contentment like this is where i’m finally at peace, this is where i’m finally released of all the expectations and shoulds that i place on myself because of the society norms.

Yesterday i was really exhausted and spent majority of the time alone on the bed reading, or napping. A fleeting moment came to say i should be spending time with noah, and i missed him too. However, the more logical me now, tells myself that it is the responsible thing to do for noah is to rest, to take time for myself so i can be the mum i want to be for him, and i am well rested and healthy for the week so i can spend enjoyable time with him and take of him better. This is such a big mindset shift for me where i used to imposed and force myself to be with him even though i’m clearly tired and in need of my own space, this leads to dis regulation which leads to bad sleep and bad mental state.

I’ve been reading books as dramas aren’t so interesting these days, i noticed that lately i am starting to want to write again, as though i am given another shot at my teenager years which i never managed to, write a book. Have always wanted to be an author, there’s really nothing we cannot do, unlimited.

There were days i felt like i’m not doing enough on the work parts, then i tell myself im doing my best, a little by little. we cannot do many things at one time, but we can do one thing at one time and prioritize which one has more weightage. Not forgetting this year is to recover in mental n physical, and to have an extremely uneventful year so i can take time to have a predictable life at the moment. exciting things can wait for now, cus the season will come when it comes.

Contentment as i remember when we just move into our house and also partially when we were in US. i remember this feeling where everything just felt right and peaceful.

Finally, myself?

All my life, i wanted to be like this person that person, in the name of achieving something like them or having something they have that i don’t.

Recently i met a cousin who came back visiting Sg from the States and i remembered him telling me psychology isn’t something that is good to study – not much career choices after that. This was 2005, around almost 20y ago. Ironically, his daughter is studying psychology now and i felt a tinge of anger and roll my eyes moment when i found out. Then why did he discourage me from doing it? I think to myself perhaps psychology today was much more advance then it was back then. There are these moments where i still regret my choices for my degree, choosing what people told me vs what i want – likely business or psychology in a private school. and going further back, choosing the subjects that i thought i was good at but really struggle vs subjects i probably would excel in.

I was always interested in how people think, not only in what people think.. and i tend to think a lot myself. It’s my way of feeling safe in the world, unsure how it came about – feeling relatively unsafe to follow my own desires, wants, thoughts. Perhaps the constant comparison of academic results when growing up made me think that other people are always better then me.

I’ve never regretted any of the choices i chose when it was just following my heart, leaving a job to run a business selllng things, writing stories when i was young, chasing kpop which allowed me to pursue the above as well.

However today, i get triggered over and over again when i hear ppl sharing or telling me about what the society norm is to do, hurry sell your house to get the capital gains, you should work for active income to invest. it make sense to have a full time stable income, and i’m privilege not to have to do that but the pressure to should do is always lurking around the corner. Of cus i want to have income to save for investment and retirement. I also want to pursue something that gives me pleasure that i enjoy. i used to look at xyz person and want to be like them, only after having a child, i start to realize that i want to spend my time doing things that i like and enjoy which can earn money , that when something doesn’t align with me i get anxious, it’s like my body physically reacts to it.

It is far from what the normal singaporean would think to do, of cus they can’t go wrong, and they won’t be uncomfortable, perhaps to acknowledge and accept the path i want to take is a very different path and that’s right for me. i’ve stopped envying others or wanting to be like them esp when i see them on social media – i only want the good things they have (who don’t!) but that’s not practical and not reality. And also everyone only posts the good nice things but not the things they struggle with. Instead lately i want to achieve not their success or live their life but to achieve the level of enjoyment and satisfaction, passion for what i do even when it’s hard or when it doesn’t look like it’s successful, that i work hard for it and i find deep satisfaction and meaning to it. Most impt is having fun and excited, i naively believe that money will come later when internally it fits into me and it will outflow in an abundant.

i hope that i’ll be successful in the end.. and not be wrong about if.

being steadfast in my choices

Again and again, in this world and society where it is easy to lose sight of our values, intention, purpose of what’s important or more important to us then other things, often I’m challenged to revisit and confirm why we choose what we choose. what we value vs what other people value, what is more important to us and what we are willing to give it up for. ultimately, to be only answerable to ourselves and be happy of how things turned out to be.

For me it is very easy to hear and get distracted by what other people do and say of things that does not make much sense to me but it makes sense to them. In my heart i know that that is not what i want or choose, but when many people do things you don’t really understand, i can’t help but wonder if i’m the stupid one or the more enlightened one. haha.

i noticed that i often get quite distressed when i get more social with people, because of their mindset and their ways, i’m exposed to their chatters and often it is opposing to what i believe. I’m learning how to be expose to them and yet still not doubting my own decisions. everyone can and do value different things and also think differently.

i learnt that if people don’t see what i see, there’s no point of explaining or justifying ourselves, because they simply wouldn’t get it.

I’m grateful for always revisiting my choices and reaffirming my decisions, and being more confident when i’m faced with challenging opinions. At the same time, i start to see that it would be better to stay away from these poeple because they don’t lift me up and support me in my journey. Whereas i should surround myself with people who truly believe in the same thing and value the same things.

in my heart i feel uncomfortable to follow what poeple do. and in my head i’m scared if they are right and will be correct in the long run where they will enjoy while i’ll suffer – that’s my fear. but i guess i don’t want to live my life so others agree with me or approve of my actions, i don’t want to live my life in acc to what people say i shld n love the way i choose.

Living for them Vs Living for myself.

It is normal to have good and not so good times.

This week I had the realisation and learnt that being with Noah home schooling him and being sham comes with feelings like im tired or bored or feel mundane and it is normal, there are some days where we feel like this, the same as jobs, it is not always interesting or exciting. Whenever I feel tired or bored or mundane, there are re occurring thoughts of sending Noah to School. however, I am rather reluctant to do so. I wanted to explore why I feel this way. And I realised that because I always think that if it is meant to be or if it is my calling or what fulfills me, it should feel Good Everyday.

However, I realised that even in jobs or everything else, like Relationships, there is alway times when we feel that its not great, it is boring. This week in particular I felt bored. And accepting that there is nothing wrong with that nor I need to change anything about it to get rid of the not so nice feeling or to have instant gratification of feeling “satisfied” or “fulfilled”. Because ultimately when I zoom out, is it a bigger purpose then myself and my need to feel fulfilled? It is also fulfilling but not immediate when I see how Noah is growing and has growth. It is a sense of satisfaction. I parallel that to working and there are times where it is not always fun or exciting, it is just to get a salary – there is not much difference in terms of feeling good and not so good in the midst of doing something. Then why don’t I just enjoy the moment where I have the opportunity now.

I had this new thought this week that as long as it is meaningful – and by that, I mean if there’s a purpose in what I choose to do, that as long as it is purposeful, I should do it. it could not be that enjoyable but the fruits come later. There is another part of me that wants to be fulfilled, unleashing the creativity of business, however it is quite obvious to me that I cannot image myself working in corporate job. I still want the flexibility and everything unconventional that does not look like what the current normal life of people look like.

It is like planting a seed, quietly growing, and only blooming flowers in spring. It could be studying for a year to take the exam and show a cert, it could be working on a business for years and finally having a breakthrough or award, having a relationship has ups n downs, good times and also arguements, but it is not always nice and good and smooth. There are some days where it feels rather meh.

Im relearning and unlearning what I thought, that if it is suppose to be mine it is easy, and that’s not true. Im learning everyday having a child.

my own tribe?

As much as i found a few friends who have the same philosophy in raising children and care about the things i care about, i feel that stay home mum and home schooling is rather lonely because i haven’t found a group of ppl who share similiar routines, can click and stay close enough to hang out together often.

I have been asking one mum who’s son i feel gets along with noah well and we also share the same kind of respectful parenting and speak the same way to the kids, however it has been a few times i been asking if we could meet and she would indicate interest but not reply aft a long time, then reply n say she forgot to reply. She set a date for this week but when i asked to confirm, she happened to have something else. I feel abit bummed but i guess it’s like that. It’s something that my cousin shared that they couldn’t find any families who shared the same kind of values to home school together.

i don’t need to home school together but it would be fun, i guess i just need adult company besides just being out with the kids. i enjoy thoroughly when the kids can play well together and i can click with the mum.

Another mum whom i met recently and stay close by, but i don’t feel like the kids play well together, somehow different wave length, she was easy to talk, generous and share readily but somehow abit different wavelength i felt.

Lately i been feeling like i need something of my own – work, to satisfied some part of my own desires. Caring for kids is not always enjoyable, i told myself that work isn’t always enjoyable too, there will be good n hard times. And there will also be mundane moments, at times it is really quite boring, because they are still in a developing stage of their brain. After having time with Noah on some days, I crave for some my alone time even though i don’t know what to do. or i just feel like i need to stone. I’m praying for God’s direction and grace to lead me to do something i enjoy and like, not just for making money.

Lucky..?

Recently i saw someone positing about “how lucky” i am to be your mummy, or “how lucky” i am to have xyz. I really dislike the word lucky because it means that the person never put any effort to it and just have whatever they have. I’ve never felt “lucky”, n i feel that many things is because of effort we put in or someone else put in.

How is it lucky that we have a child? We had to go through the process of having sex, or any other treatments, pregnancy which includes the vomiting for some people, checking on the baby, eating well which includes eliminating some of the food we like, giving birth of which some people go through some traumatic time, feeding them waking up every 1-2hourly. It is pure hard work and effort.

When people write “i’m lucky to have you as my husband or wife”, is it really? Relationships are hard work too, we put effort to talk, spend time together, work on our differences so we understand each other better.

or “i’m lucky to land this job”, is there any luck involved? Need to apply for job and fo through inteview, is not luck right.

When people say lucky it makes me feel like it diminish any of our efforts that we put to get something good.

Meaningful

How do i live a meaningful life? Lately this qn has been on my mind.

Whenever i meet people who live overseas, i feel like they live more meaningful life then me, perhaps i only romanticize it. We lived a short while overseas but it isn’t enough to say anything. It’s was same but different ways like driving to the supermarket instead of buying from “downstairs”.

As i come to question all that i thought was fulfilling before, the thought of it doesn’t make me excited anymore. Likely i need to take action to DO to find out what entails a meaningful life to me. It could be Now, what i am doing is meaningful to me at this moment. We are sold by the idea that a meaningful life is to “do many things”, it could be for some, n do “one thing” for some.